One of my favorite authors, Robert Heinlein, had a form letter he sent to fans. To save time, it had all the possible options for correspondence, and he’d check the applicable boxes.
Being considerably less talented — and marginally less grumpy (arguable) — I figured this would be a fantastic way to deal with the 100+ emails I get each day.
So for all my tech journalist friends/colleagues/enemies, and for all my future fans/haters/curious minds, here is the eminently useful, infinitely adaptable, largely offensive, Form Letter for Tech Correspondence.
Thank you for your email. I regret I can’t respond in a more personal fashion. I receive dozens of emails per day, and wouldn’t have the time to write if I responded to them all with the exactitude they so deserve. Below I have checked off the appropriate responses to your query:
______ Thanks for reading!
______ Thank you for your unsolicited review pitch. I regret I don’t review:
______ Kitchen Appliances
______ I’m sorry I can’t help you decide between the two TVs you mentioned. Whichever one you’ve presumably bought already is the best TV available.
______ Thank you for making the effort to email about a typo you found.
______ You missed the other typos in paragraphs ______, ______, and ______.
______ In your email you spell ____________ and ____________ wrong.
______ “You’re” not “Your”
______ I am sorry you were offended by my joke about ____________. Know that your concern is duly noted, and I will take your opinion to heart when next I discuss your particular group/organization/political orientation.
______ I am glad you loved my joke about ____________. Know that your love is duly noted, and I will take your opinion to heart when next I discuss that particular group/organization/political orientation.
______ Thank you for the invite to your press event about ____________. I would like to direct you towards a globe, so you can notice there is a world west of the Hudson, and some of us live there.
______ I apologize I recommended the product you chose not to buy. However, I am not a shill for any company. Please note that anyone who uses ad hominem attacks is simpleminded.
______ Sciacca, stop bothering Darryl.
______ I recommend reading the article you’re emailing about. You’ll find I already pre-answered all of your questions/complaints in the body of the text.
______ Thank you for your email. It is rare someone takes the time to write such thoughtful comments about something they liked. You have made my day.
Brent Butterworth and Geoff Morrison combine their years of gear testing and knowledge in one überblog of irreverence and techiness.
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