The Things I Said, and the Things I Said I Said

Between the words I think and the words you read, there are several stages of editing. The first takes place within my brain. The last, at the hands of a copy editor [hah! - Ed]. In both cases, this is a good thing.

But sometimes, a great line gets pulled that I don’t think should have been cut.

So here, for your perusal, are some choice lines of mine, from various articles, someone deemed unworthy for mass consumption.

- These speakers have the charisma of a wet sock.

- It creates a hum that will be familiar to those who've suffered recent concussions.

- I question if the designers have ever used a similar product, or indeed, any product.

- The fan noise alone was enough to induce nausea and, in some, perhaps bed-wetting.

- They have the finesse of a PA speaker, minus the utility.

- This press conference is like a baby on fire, only less funny.

- An enjoyable product when left in its box.

- I've heard better sound from an iPhone speaker on a subway.

- These headphones have a level of comfort Dick Cheney would have found unconstitutional.

- Parts were falling off like it was a leper in a wind tunnel.

- This TV makes Taylor Swift look like an alien bobble head. In other words, highly accurate and lifelike.

- Lighting it on fire would have improved its aesthetics. And it's smell.

- Mounting a TV above a fireplace is a solution best left for masochists and those with recent head trauma.

- I made a mental list of everything I’d rather be doing. It started with dry heaving.

- The marketing assault could have just said “Sure we're kicking you in the nuts, but you'll like it after a while.”

- His response had all the wit of a bludgeoned seal.

- It’s the type of speaker that guarantees your wife will scream “I want to have sex!” as she leaves with your car.

- The calibration menus were a labyrinthine maze of tortures, convincing me the only release would be self-defenestration.

- The price is marginally higher than the GDP of Kyrgyzstan, but that's OK because they'll all be able to see your screen from their houses.

- I questioned his logic not because it was flawed, but because I wasn't sure whether or not he was mentally ill.

- OK, but how often have you said, “well, that's the last time I stick that there.”

- He asked, “Why won't you try our product?” I replied, “Why won’t you make it not suck?”

On second thought, maybe leaving some of these out was a good idea.