All these years you've been wandering around like a schmuck looking at the world with plain old "regular" vision. Live in shame no more! The time has come to step up to . . . HD VISION!
If you’re anything like me, you’re tired of living your life in sucky, regular old standard def. I’m not just talking about when you’re watching TV; I mean your whole life! Walking outside, I want to gouge my eyes out and throw those useless low-resolution orbs into a stack of old CRT TVs!
Fortunately, the tireless R&D teams at “As Seen on TV” have temporarily set aside their important work developing knives that cut through aluminum cans and turned the full laser-beam focus of their attention to eyewear. But rue the day you refer to these as “glasses.” We’re into new technological ground that shall heretofore be known as “HD glasses.”
Called “HD Vision” by the soon-to-be Nobel winners, they’ve harnessed technology “Just Like HDTV” that promises to deliver “clarity that you have never experienced.”
If the godlike power of enhancing your vision isn’t enough to ply that credit card out of your pocket, these optical enhancement tools are also lightweight and durable, feature modern European style to help overcome your boorish American ways and include a bonus visor clip! Still not enough? Fine! How about a pair of bonus Night Vision glasses? Free. Just thrown in. Pow! These will be perfect for piloting your B-2 Stealth Bomber nap-of-the-earth in moonless skies or just driving to the store to get your hemorrhoid medicine.
While this technology is targeted at folks already wearing glasses, I can only imagine the powers that they will endow to those with already perfect vision. X-ray vision? The ability to shoot laser beams Cyclops style? The power to open temporary wormholes in the space-time continuum? The possibilities are endless, and dare I say, staggering.
I only hope that they’ll create a bifocal 480p/1080p version for those times when the harsh realities of seeing the world in HD are just too great. Say when you’re appreciating fine art or leaving a bar at 3 in the morning.
At $19.99 (plus $6.99 shipping and handling) this offer surely can’t last. When you finish ordering, e-mail me for information on how you can help a distant Nigerian relative move $50,000,000 safely out of the country. — John Sciacca
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